Onward, Christian Soldiers

Good morning troops! Hope you had a nice breakfast - as long as you washed your dishes afterwards. In the Bible God commands us to know our enemy. It isn't other religions. They don't like our enemy either. It's not atheists. They don't believe in our enemy. That enemy is the Devil. As Christian soldiers it's our duty to seek out and destroy the Devil. Now when you go looking for the Devil, don't expect him to be strutting down the street in his red birthday suit, winking at you and twirling his pitchfork. He's sneaky. Sometimes he's the clean cut family man: good neighbour, mows his lawn, kind of guy you think you can trust. And then you find out he's smoking marijuana in the shed. Sometimes he's a she: modest girl, good manners, straight 'A' student. You think she's studying and saving herself for the right man. And then you catch her playing video games with her boyfriend on a Sunday. Sometimes the Devil even gets into your dog, like when he goes all squirrely on you after you told him to heel. Once you locate the Devil, you can't destroy him in the normal way, with nukes. Weapons are evil and Satan's the Lord of Evil, so hitting him with nukes only makes him more powerful. The only way to destroy this enemy is with love. You gotta go up to that pot-head, maybe waving a fan to protect yourself, and give him a shiny new ashtray. You gotta supply those gamers with some chips and pop. You gotta give that pet a pat. They may break down and cry, they may scream, and they may bark, but show no mercy. If necessary, hug them.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.