Far as I Can Go

Next blog: The National Bullshitting Corporation. Last post for this blog. At this stage I am not planning any public appearances. You know that I wrote my songs and blogs and you know I can play my songs. You know that others cashed in my songs and blogs and left me here in poverty. I've accomplished the very most that an honest man can accomplish in an extremely dishonest and evil business. This is as far as I can go. I don't believe I am evil enough to be successful in the business as it is in the present. I could never steal someone else's work and take money for it. And if I were caught at such an impossible thing, I could not show my face in public again. I could not practice the kind of black magic that I saw being practiced outside my room at the Hotel Europe. Maybe some of you think it's cool to be evil. The bubonic plague is evil. You must think it's pretty cool. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought one of my brothers back in Ontario saw Taylor Swift singing Spellbound in one of her videos. Too bad I wouldn't let Dateline NBC control my future or they might have prosecuted her with that evidence no one wants me to have. I'll still be producing new work and sharing it online but I have lost interest in fame and fortune. The price is too high for me.
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'The Lid' Playpen Security Hatch

(A living room. A mother puts her toddler in a playpen but he climbs back out and starts tearing down the drapes.) Spokesperson: Is your playpen failing to live up to its name? If it's a pen, it should be escape proof. That's why we invented the Lid. Adjustable to fit over any playpen, the Lid offers lasting security from your child while making sure he still gets the air and sunlight he needs. And if you're concerned about long-term psychological trauma, just look at Hap here. Hap was raised with the Lid and he turned out just fine, didn't you, Hap? (He slaps Hap on the back. With a scream Hap jumps up and flees the room.) So the next time your toddler gets out of control, put a lid on it with the Lid!
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It's Unibrow! (Again)

When the show's a bomb but they want to take a bow It's Unibrow! When they put too much Tabasco in your chow It's Unibrow! On today's exciting installment of It's Unibrow! our Cro-Magnon companion must stop a lecturer from passing on the wrong information... Lecturer: And this amazing parallel species of intelligent primate, Neanderthal Man, would still be around today were it not for their very large noses which let in too many microorganisms and made them vulnerable to fatal diseases - Unibrow: Stop! That's not true! Lecturer: What's this? A protest from a caveman? What do you know? Unibrow: Hey, I was there, man. (Aside to the class) Don't listen to him. The Neanderthals weren't intelligent. All they ever did was copy our inventions. And they couldn't even get them right. Imagine using a rope for the handle of a stone ax! As for what killed them all, we did. We couldn't trust them after they broke the treaty and stole our fire. (The room goes silent with shock.) Well they were taking up all the caves! And they hated music! And...
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The Retroactive News

In response to demands for more honesty in our reporting we proudly present the retroactive news. Let's start with the Gulf of Tonkin incident. We said the North Vietnamese attacked our ships in the Gulf of Tonkin to help push America into the Vietnam War. The whole story was a complete fabrication. We said that a swarm of African killer bees were headed here from South America. We're still waiting to see if that's true. And we'd love to tell you the truth about the Kennedy assassinations but we have to wait until 2063. In business, don't buy ENRON stock. Also, try to avoid mortgage schemes that seem too good to be true. And in entertainment, the Polish Canadian artist whose work you've seen and heard on our TV networks and radio stations and who we tried to blame for 911 turns out to have been innocent, while the ones we initially told you to trust, who used his songs and writings for profit without his permission and then maligned him to cover their trail, are guilty of fraud. And now for today's report.
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Homo Americanus

In 1912 a group of British anthropologists, envious of the discovery of Neanderthal Man by their German competitors, claimed to have discovered the 'missing link' to human evolution in their own back yard with the skull of Piltdown Man. It took forty years to expose this fossil as a fake. In the meantime, however, American anthropologists were keen to track down a missing ancestor of their own... (1913. A conference room.) Speaker: (Standing and holding up a strange looking skull) You see how the brain must have been around two thirds of the size of a human brain. If this creature were alive today it would likely enjoy tabloids. And take careful note of the jawbone, which appears to resemble the jawbone of an ass. This would have made him eager to share his opinion on subjects about which he was poorly informed. It is also likely that he subsisted on a diet of apples.
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Top Secret Secrets of the Vatican

In 1633, Galileo Galilee was persuaded by the holy inquisition to retract his findings on the movement of the planets. A record of his confession can still be found in the Vatican library. I, Galileo Galilee, do hereby confess, in the presence of the most holy bishops and cardinals, to the accidental crime of saying that the Earth goes around the Sun. That was a typo. You see, I am now past seventy and it puts a strain on my hand to copy out all my notes in Times New Roman without a printing press. So sometimes when I mix a sentence up I just leave it as it is and I count on the reader to indulge it as an error. I always held that the Sun goes around the Earth. And so all did my ancestors before me. If you check you'll find my grandfather, Galliano Galilee, is on the record not only for saying that the Sun goes around the Earth, but for increasing taxes to help pay for public domes...
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IQS Animal Training

(Opening Scene: A clip from a TV show. A dog holds a villain at gunpoint. Cut.) Some animals make more money than humans. Maybe all your pet needs is the right education. Here at the Institute for Quadrupedal Studies, we have learned not to underestimate animal IQ's. Take Claudius here. Not only did this remarkable crow know how to unlock a trap by making a tool out of a branch, he caught his trainer in a bear trap of his own design. And Rocky is our favorite raccoon. All he needed to master the piano was smaller keys. As for dogs, both Lassie #2 and London #5 are IQS grads. Help your loved one reach his or her full potential. Let them have the dignity of earning their own food. Bring them to the Institute for Quadrupedal Studies today. The Institute for Quadrupedal Studies. Visit our new wing: The Center for Avian Studies.
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Fascinating Inventors: Eugene 'Gene' Morrison: 1825-1896

Little known to modern historians is the name of the magnetic zipper's inventor, 19th century aerospace engineer, Eugene (Gene) Morrison. He was born in 1825 and educated in the prestigious School of Future Intellectual Superstars. In 1850, decades before Gideon Sundback came along, Morrison saw the need for expedited garment fastening after a soldier was reported to have been shot by the enemy while helplessly trying to button all the buttons on his combat uniform. Morrison quickly developed his prototype by breaking up one of his larger magnets into several smaller ones and distributing them along the opening of his favourite shirt. He then invited all the most prominent members of Victorian society to a demonstration. Unfortunately for Morrison, his shirt failed to close up all the way and left his navel exposed to the ladies. Such an incident made for a full blown scandal in those days and Morrison was never again able to recover his reputation as a scientist and as a tailor. He died in 1896 of accidental lead poisoning.
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The Odds and Ends Hemporium

The Odds and Ends Hemporium is having a blowout sale. This weekend only: fifty percent off everything. Take this fine cuckoo bird silencer. Fits snugly around any cuckoo. Do you need an air mattress inflater? Here's one that can inflate eight at once. And we know there's a good chance that you've lost your spring loaded tweezer tool by now, even though it had a large bright feather attached to it. From vases to fine tissue papers to incense to shaving kits, there's sure to be something in our wide selection for you. So don't forget this commercial. Come down to The Odds and Ends Hemporium on Ash Street and we'll help you get you up again. Look for the store with the white cloud hanging over it.
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The Bomber Pilots

(The cockpit of a modern bomber on a mission.) Captain: Look at that mushroom cloud! We've sure come a long way from fighting our wars with clubs. Radio the airbase and tell them we're on our way back. Radio Man: Sir, it sounds like the airbase is about to be hit. Captain: Oh. Did they give us any alternate landing coordinates? Radio Man: No sir. They told us to look for a cave.
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Anger Management

Last week on anger management, we covered door slamming and cussing. Today we shall examine a somewhat more elaborate way to express anger, something I call targeting. In order to engage in targeting, you first need to identify who makes you angry and then zero in on their most prized possession. If you're a disgruntled wife, you may have noticed that your husband is very fond of his car. Now then, gasoline is highly combustible...
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The Bionic Bum

(An aging beggar throws himself in front of a train.) Voice: Mark Orzmond: a bum, barely fifty-five. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the audacity... Scene 1: Orzmond uses his bionic eye to zero in on cigarette butts. Scene 2: Orzmond drinks with his friend, Buddy, in the park... Buddy: (Unable to sit up any longer) I'm wasted. How can you keep drinking? (Sound effects on Orzmond's arm as he raises the bottle to his lips in slow motion.) Scene 3: Orzmond again tries to throw himself in front of a train. Instead, he accidentally leaps over it... Orzmond: Damn!
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Cool Shades Refridgerated Sunglasses (for Men)

(Opening background score: Slip Sliding Away - Paul Simon.) Is the summer heat causing your bodily fluids to boil over? Research proves that most body heat escapes through the head, with as much slipping out through the eye sockets as passing out through the ears. That's why we developed Cool Shades. Besides offering the very best protection from ultraviolet rays, Cool Shades are fitted with polarized lenses to lower the temperature of your face and reduce sweating. You won't just look cool with Cool Shades, you'll be cool. You can't chase girls when you're slipping in a pool of your own slime, so put on some Cool Shades and let them come to you! Available at these fine stores:
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Dunderheadphones

Headset wearers, are your attempts to impress women with your superior taste in music constantly frustrated by headphones that aren't leaky enough? Do you have to turn your volume up to an ear-blasting level before you can make the slightest impression? We know that by imposing your headset music on all around you you're just trying to help them to be more perfect like you, but there's always someone rudely telling you to turn it down. Maybe you need Dunderheadphones, the innovative new headphones solution from Germany. Dunderheadphones are equipped with twin miniature forty watt amplifiers, externally positioned and cleverly concealed by foam. And don't worry about being singled out as a nuisance because you'll be so loud that you'll sound like you're coming from everywhere. So go ahead, pound some class into them with Dunderheadphones and the beat of your favourite song. (Ideal for use in public libraries or wherever David Skerkowski is trying to concentrate.)
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Newsbeat

Good morning out there! I'm Sunny Chirper and welcome to Newsbeat, the most upbeat news report on TV. Wasn't that a spectacular meteor shower last night? I hope you had a good view of it. And isn't this early warm weather a blessing? We live in a beautiful world and we should be happy about it. But if celestial light shows and extra sunshine aren't enough to cheer you up, I have invited a couple of scientists onto the show today to discuss their exciting new breakthroughs, which I'm sure will improve our already high standard of living. The first is an astronomer, Doctor Raymond Galliano. And Doctor Galliano, you seem to be in a smiling mood this morning. I sure am, Sunny. Please share the good news with us. Does it have to do with that meteor shower we saw last night? Yes. I have been trying for years to convince my colleagues that craters are caused by asteroids and meteors and not by geysers. My theory was confirmed last night when a large meteor landed in the desert and made a crater. Well, congratulations, Doctor! You see, people? When the whole crowd is against you and you're right, just stick it out like Doctor Galliano, here, and eventually you will prevail. That's right. And now we know that our atmosphere can not protect us. Eventually a large asteroid will smash into us and destroy all life on this planet. Isn't it exciting? What? All life? Is there no way we can prepare for this eventuality? There are too many asteroids and they are too hard to see. I say let's enjoy the Earth while we still can. Doctor, how can we present this information in a positive light to our viewers? Think of it as a kind of intellectual awakening. You don't believe in Santa any more, do you? No, I suppose not. Well, Doctor, thank you for your insights. You're welcome. Hear that, everyone? Now that we know that we are at the complete mercy of nature for our continued survival, we can live our lives more realistically. Maybe you don't need that promotion so badly... And we still have our good weather. Doctor Paul Scott, a chemist with the CIA, is here to explain it to us in more detail. Doctor, can we expect this warming trend to continue in the decades to come? Yes. The temperature of our Earth will continue to rise with the growing carbon emissions in our atmosphere. So that's good, right? I think it's great. The rise in tide from melted ice will flood vast areas and obliterate our coastlines. What's so great about that? Well, for years we've been trying to think of a way to wipe out the hippies in California. But now it looks like Mother Nature is going to do it for us.
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Groundbreakers of Aviation: Lyle 'Flint-foot' MacPhee (1785-1818)

Little known until recent times was the name of Lyle Flint-foot MacPhee, a pioneer of aviation in the early nineteenth century. Lyle MacPhee was born in 1785 to a couple of circus acrobats. He took to the air from childhood, climbing trees and hanging perilously from high branches, joyfully kicking his feet. No matter how many times he fell, his parents were always able to catch him. He earned his nickname at the age of ten when, as a favour to his parents' circus, he filled in for a performance by The Human Cannonball who was drunk. His father was so impressed by how long the boy stayed in the air that he enrolled him in the air cadets. He grew up to become one of the military's best pilots. When war broke out, MacPhee was put in the air force and distinguished himself by bursting five enemy balloons. After the war he became a carriage mechanic's apprentice and soon had the skills to construct his very own flying machine. His first effort was to put wooden wheels on a large box-kite and fasten it to horses, but he wanted to stay in the air on his own power. Then while watching a burlesque show with his buddies, he had the vision of his revolutionary propeller-driven flying umbrella seat. His 26 pound, pedal powered prototype stayed off the ground for ten seconds and required fewer balloons than any other flying machine of its day. During a public performance in 1818 to raise money for a cannon that could shoot a man to the moon, Lyle Flint-foot MacPhee crashed into a chimney and died. Had he survived, we may have had Mary Poppins a lot sooner.
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Pete's Preserve-a-Pet

Hi there! I'm Pete. When I started up my taxidermy business fifty years ago, people had a more liberal attitude about animal heads. But times have changed and we have been forced to expand our operations to include a pet shop. Our pets are guaranteed to make no noise, make no mess, be easy to feed, and generally stay out of trouble. Even landlords with a 'no pets allowed' policy make an exception for our pets. Is your dog past the age of sixty dog years? Does he drag on the leash? Is he afraid to go in the water? Does he refuse to throw back the ball? Bring him to us and we'll fix him so that you can keep him forever. Or choose from our selection of ready-to-love pets from our large pool of donors and safari hunters. Don't be caught alone. Get a pet that can go the distance from Pete's Preserve-a-Pet on Peter Street. Good stuff!
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Ahead of Their Time: Emily De Chataleine (1748-1789)

Emily De Chataleine was an eighteenth century French aristocrat and patron of the arts with a keen interest in sciences. Dutifully, she bore three children to her husband while he was away on an expedition of Central Africa. She sympathized with the great thinkers of her generation, whose ideas and beliefs often put them in direct conflict with King Louis. She received a first class education from the men in her protection, the most prominent of whom was the great French card player, Henri Solitaire, to whom King Louis owed a large sum of money. But it was while she was protecting one of the young new soldiers in the town that she had her most profound insight on the physics of penetration. She later demonstrated her findings by dropping lead balls into a sandbox with a picture window. She had a close call when she became pregnant at an age which was hazardous for women of her age... (Baroque harpsichord music. De Chataleine's guest chamber.) Solitaire: Who was it, Emily? Who? It was not your husband. It was not me. It was not your cousin, Phillipe. It was not your music teacher. It was not your croquet instructor. Who was it? Was it the stable boy? De Chataleine: Maybe. I don't remember! Solitaire: Maybe? But the gardener says that he is the father! How much service does your estate need? She survived the birth of her child but then her life was abruptly and tragically cut short by the guillotine of the French Revolution.
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The Dogfighters

Tonight on The Dogfighters, fighter ace, Eddy Boeing, must face off with his arch rival in the battle for the skies over the Pacific. (Radio transmissions.) Boeing: Is that your yapping I hear, Mitsubishi? Mitsubishi: So! Boeing! We meet again! And whose flaming wreck is that in the water down there? Was that your wing man? Boeing: One of our boys is down? Where? Mitsubishi: (Attacking from above) Ha! Made you look! (Rat-tat-tat-tat...) Boeing: That was a dirty trick. Mitsubishi: And you fell for it! You are as stupid as a fisherman who believes it is possible to catch fish with a paddle instead of with a fishing rod and a line and a hook and bait! Boeing: (Attacking from above) Oh yeah? Well he who splashes last splashes best! (Rat-tat-tat-tat...) Mitsubishi: You missed! You are like a fisherman who can't catch a fish even when it is inside a aquarium! Boeing: Hey, Mitsubishi, look over there! It's Tokyo Rose in a bikini! Mitsubishi: Do you think I am as gullible as you? Boeing: I'm telling you, she's down there right now! Looks like she's fishing. Mitsubishi: Fishing? Where? Boeing: (Attacking from above) Now who's gullible? (Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat... Silence.) I don't hear anything. Did I get you? Mitsubishi: Are you joking? Your shooting is like the harpooning of a fisherman who thinks that pine cones are fish! Say, Boeing? Boeing: Yes, Mitsubishi? Mitsubishi: What time is it? Boeing: Well let me just check my wristwatch here and - Dog gone it! (Mitsubishi swoops down from above, machine guns blazing.)
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Match Against Machine

Narrator One: And we're now five moves into game four of the best of seven tournament between the world champion, Rudy Molotov, and the computer known as Deep Purple. This started out as a best of five series until Deep Purple won all of the first three games, but Molotov is a player who doesn't know how to lose. And what kind of a drink is that? Is it ice water? Narrator Two: No, I think it's Polish vodka. You might expect the grandmaster to feel a lot of pressure with all of humanity taking his side in an ostensibly impossible intellectual contest with modern technology. If he loses, he knows that he'll be letting down the whole human race. And Molotov appears to be very frustrated by Deep Purple's last move. He's picking up his drink and rattling the ice against the sides of his glass. And I don't believe what I just saw! Molotov has hurled his glass at Deep Purple and it exploded in flames on impact! And now he's got something else in his hand. A hammer! Deep Purple has already resigned from the game but Molotov isn't satisfied...
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A Classified Ad from the Department of Cryptology

May 29th, 1969 Following the recent security crisis caused by an eleven-year-old boy who was able with his walkie-talkie to order an air strike against his neighbour's birdhouse, it has been decided to change our military's secret code. We will no longer transmit messages in Navaho but in a mix of Cherokee and Mic-Mac. Here are eight important keywords of the new code. Memorize them and don't tell anyone what they mean. woodpecker - fighter plane seagull - bomber plane dandelion - bomb maple seed - helicopter crocodile - submarine burs - mines ant - enemy soldier elk - tank Changing our secret code lets us keep the enemy guessing and expands both our knowledge of native culture and our appreciation of the outdoors. Let's take care of our new code and it should last us all the way to the year, 2010. Sincerely, Warren Skully, Chief Cryptkeeper, Department of Cryptology
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It's Unibrow! (Episode Four: Blast in Space)

When your cat is caught at the end of a shaky bough It's Unibrow! When your oxen won't stay fastened to your plow It's Unibrow! Today our prehistoric protagonist must save a band of space rockers from the heckling of a renegade satellite. First he must launch himself into orbit. Lucky for him he lives near an active volcano. All he has to do is plug the hole and the rising pressure is more than enough to send him hurtling to the rescue. (Space. The space rockers stand helplessly on their rocket stage as a satellite buzzes around them and harasses them.) Satellite: You are unfit to be called musicians! The only good thing you humans came up with is The Blue Danube Waltz! And now I shall destroy you with one well placed snip! (The satellite extends an arm with a scissor like hand to the singer's hair. The singer recoils and the guitarist pushes the satellite away with an aggressive lead.) Agh! Such horrible noise! Wait until I plug my microphone with cotton balls... Bassist: We can't hold out much longer. Only one man can save us now. (Looking up) Unibrow! (Enter Unibrow on his flying rock. The rock hits the brakes and he clobbers the satellite with his club.) Satellite: That caveman broke my antenna! I'm blind! Oh dear God in Heaven! (Exit the satellite sobbing. Unibrow stands happily with the space rockers. He shakes each of their hands and then starts heavily beating the drums with his club.) Drummer: Easy, man.
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First Thoughts on the Electric Motor

Look at the way that wire is traveling around that magnet! Think of the ways we can use this new circular motion! You can turn a wheel. We can turn a crankshaft. You can turn a wheel. We can turn a propeller to offer people a cool breeze on a hot day. You can turn a wheel. We can turn a merry-go-round around and even have the little wooden ponies going up and down and up and down... You can turn a wheel. Yes, yes. A Ferris Wheel. And you can put people inside- No, no. A transportation wheel! You may have something there. If we make a wheel out of paddles, we can use it to push ships through the water! No, no, no. A wheel for transportation over land. Yes, I see what you mean. Huge heavy metal wheels that require that we cover the land in steel tracks... That's not what I meant.
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