Damn the Doritos

(New Mexico, July 16 1945. A group of scientists speculate on the potential result of the first atomic blast.) Oppenheimer: Doctor Zeus, would you be so kind as to share your thoughts with us as to what we may expect here this morning? Zeus: (Greek accent) I think that it will initiate a subatomic chain reaction which will rip a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum and send us all back to the Stone Age - literally. Oppenheimer: Interesting. Doctor Finklestein, have you any such concerns? Finklestein: (Yiddish accent) No. I think that it will only splinter our DNA, altering the course of human evolution so that our descendants will be born with gills instead of lungs. Oppenheimer: Yes? Doctor Hoffman, you have your hand up? Hoffman: (German accent) I think that it will set fire to the atmosphere, leaving us with no air to breathe and stripped naked against falling asteroids and the horrible radiation of the sun. Oppenheimer: Noted. We'll have a fire truck standing by. Gentlemen, there's only one way we're going to know what happens when we detonate this device... (The next day.) General: Boys, I hear that you only used a couple pounds of uranium for this bomb. Now that you know it works, let's put a whole ton of uranium all in one big bomb. Oppenheimer: General, that much uranium would blow us up along with the enemy. General: I figured. Let's just hope we never have to use it.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

History's Mysteries: Nadia Stalin

Host: Good evening. And welcome to History's Mysteries. On the morning of November 9th, 1932, Josef Stalin's second wife was found dead at home with a gunshot wound to her heart. Stalin is reported to have physically abused her and to have often humiliated her in front of his cronies. On the night of her death she wrote him a letter which was full of political and personal reproaches. Did Nadia Stalin kill herself, according to the official account of the day? Or was she murdered by her brutal husband? We have dramatized the key events of the last week of her life to help us answer this intriguing question. Let's take a look. (November 1932. A cigar smoking Stalin meets with his deputies to discuss national affairs. Nadia stands modestly in the perimeter.) Deputy: Comrade Chairman, we need to frighten the peasants again. Stalin: Why don't we put Nadia's face on a giant billboard? It will stop them in their tracks! (Raucous laughter from Stalin. His deputies laugh in nervous support.) Deputy: Good one, Comrade Chairman. But seriously, we must crush them now or they may revolt. Stalin: You want to crush them? Why don't we get Nadia to sit on them with her big fat kaboose? (More laughter from Stalin and forced laughter from his deputies.) Deputy: Ahem! On another matter, the fire from the village we burned has spread to the surrounding forest. Stalin: I'll show you how to put out a fire. Nadia, darling, come here. Nadia: (Approaching) Yes? How may I be of service to the Comrade Chairman? Stalin: Stand right there and don't move. (She complies. Stalin backhands her hard across the cheek. She sobs bitterly but remains frozen.) Now tilt your head forward. (Stalin catches a tear with the lit end of his cigar, extinguishing the cigar with a hiss.) There, you see? All we need is Nadia! (Another round of laughs. Exit a distraught Nadia.) Hey, come back here! I have not given you leave to leave! (A few days later at Stalin's house, Stalin stands at the door while Nadia sits at a desk and writes a letter.) Stalin: Come, Nadia. It's time for another conference. Nadia: I'm staying home. Stalin: No, I forbid it. This is important state business. The people are counting on you. Nadia: (Tearing out the top page of her notebook, she gets up to give it to him.) Everything I need to tell you is in this note. Nadia's Voice: (In Stalin's head as he reads) Dear Josef, I hate you. (His smile disappears.) You are a big bully! (His eyes bulge.) Why don't you go get a job in the New York Stock Exchange? (He gasps.) Your mustache is too bushy! (His face turns red with rage.) Oh yes, one more thing, Svetlana is Trotsky's daughter! (He draws his revolver and shoots Nadia.) (Return to the host's chair.) Host: Well, there you have it. Nadia Stalin's death was a suicide because of the certain death she faced by telling those things to Josef Stalin. And that's it for this installment of History's Mysteries. Good night.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Meddlin' Mom

(A middle class home. A woman answers a knock on the door.) Visitor: Hi, Mrs Fidgewick. Is Stacy home? Mrs Fidgewick: Not at the moment. Are you the girl who beat her out for the lead in the play? Visitor: Your daughter is very talented, but the teacher thought I looked more tragic. I came to give her this peace offering. (She hands over a wrapped present.) Mrs Fidgewick: You didn't need to do that. Stacy's glad you won the part. Now she can spend more time with Duncan. Visitor: Duncan Bradley? Mrs Fidgewick: Yes, that's the boy. He thinks high school theater is square. (A few hours later, an excited Stacy returns home.) Stacy: Mom! I got the part! Stephanie dropped out! Mrs Fidgewick: I knew you could do it! (They hug.) Voice: She was the kind of mom who wanted her daughter to have everything... (A malt shop. Stacy's fortyish mom is disguised as a teen.) Teen Girl #1: Who are you voting for? Teen Girl #2: I'm voting for Allison. Teen Girl #3: So am I. Who are you voting for? Mrs Fidgewick: I'm voting for Stacy. Teen Girl #1: Stacy? But she wants to bring back corporal punishment in schools! Mrs Fidgewick: I know, but Allison tortures helpless animals. Teen Girl #1: (After shuddering) No way! Mrs Fidgewick: Wa-ay. They caught her in the park with a whole bag of cat's tails. Teens: Wow! Voice: The meddling never stops on Meddlin' Mom, tonight - only on this channel.
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The 'Put It Back!' Campaign

Hello, I'm Stephanie. For a long time my name was Stephen and I worked as a bounty hunter. Then I finally decided to take the step of transforming into a woman. Now I work as a chorus girl. Ten percent of initially male patients who undergo gender changing surgery have second thoughts about it afterwards. I thought I made the right move. I always knew I wanted to be a woman, but I had to become a woman before I knew exactly the kind of woman I wanted to be: a lesbian. As soon as I awoke from the anesthesia, I began to feel something I never felt before - a kind of envy. I needed to relieve my bladder and I couldn't use a catheter under the blankets like the male patient in the bed next to me. My doctor says that there is no turning back. I hope he is wrong. Advances are being made in the field of penis restoration every day. At the moment great results have been achieved with the tissue of snakes. But if we are to secure this important option for sexually confused persons like myself, we're going to need donors. Are you a man? Do you feel like your reproductive organ is going to waste between your legs? Maybe it is. Maybe it needs to be between my legs - uh - pointing outwards. All it takes is your signature on a consent form. If you don't have a penis, you can still help. Donate to the 'Put It Back!' campaign at the toll free number below. Because when it's somewhere it's not supposed to be, it's time to put it back.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

To Save Man

(A restaurant. After a sumptuous meal, a Cannabid asks the waiter the summon the chef.) Chef: Did you enjoy the meal? Cannabid: I certainly did. I had no idea cows were so delicious. And the way you flavour your meat with spices is truly ingenious. Chef: And one cow can provide the same meat as five adult humans. Cannabid: Yes, we must have all your cows. Chef: All of them? Cannabid: I only hope it's enough. And we will require all of your other food as well - especially your Jello chocolate puddings. Chef: All of it? But what will we eat? Cannabid: Don't worry about that. You always have each other.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Nurse Sheridan

(A hospital room. A patient lies in pain. Enter a Nurse Sheridan with a shot.) Sheridan: Are you Fred Carpenter? Patient: Yes. Is that my shot? Sheridan: How did you get hurt? Patient: Motorcycle accident. Can I have my shot? Sheridan: Really? How long did you wait for help? Patient: I don't know. A couple hours. Can I- Sheridan: You mean you lay on the road bleeding for hours! You poor thing! Patient: Can I get my shot now? Sheridan: Oh! The shot! Of course. (She administers the drug and he sighs with relief.) Patient: You know, if you really find me that impressive, we can... Nurse? Where did you go? Voice: Natalie Sheridan couldn't help falling for a man in pain. Perhaps it was her maternal instinct. Perhaps it was sadism... (Backstage at a circus. An animal trainer has his back to a tiger as he argues with Sheridan through the bars.) Trainer: You can't leave me now! I'm just getting back on my feet! Sheridan: I'm sorry, I've made up my mind. (With a roar the tiger suddenly pounces on the trainer and mauls him.) On the other hand, I don't want to be rash. Voice: As a nurse she was only too happy to comfort the boys in the intensive care ward. (Nurse Sheridan stands at a patient's bedside.) Sheridan: Tell me more about the accident. How many stitches did you say you needed again? Patient: Four hundred and thirty-nine. But my buddy needed over five hundred. Sheridan: Which bed is he in? Patient: (Pointing) The one on the end. Hey, where are you going? Voice: Susan Harrison is... (climbing onto a bed to straddle a patient in a head-to-toe body cast) ...Nurse Sheridan.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Money Tips: How to Beat Inflation

(A fiftyish man stands smiling in front of an old family portrait.) Today on Money Tips we're going to talk about inflation. Inflation is what happens when everyone quits their job and goes on unemployment insurance. It's also been known to happen during worker's strikes. As long as workers are going to have this attitude, we'll always have inflation, so you might as well start planning for it. My granddaddy, God rest his soul, taught me about inflation way back in 1970. He said the only way to protect yourself is to stash money and he gave me eighty dollars to get started. Back then that was enough to buy a brand new ten-speed. By now with inflation it's probably worth maybe five ten-speeds. I tucked it behind my family portrait and held on to it through OPEC, mass layoffs, downsizing, and stock market crashes with government bailouts. And if I ever need that money (taking the portrait and pulling out the back) I have it right here. (The money is missing) Hey!
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.