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Voice: He grew up on the wrong side of the swamp, leaving him with a crippling accent... (A city street. The hillbilly approaches two black men for directions.) Hillbilly: Can you boys help me out? Man #1: Who are you calling boys? Hillbilly: Well y'all sure don't look like girls! I's a new boy in this here locality and I's a-wonderin if y'all knew where I could get some grits. Man #2: Some what? Hillbilly: Grits. You know, pickled pig's ears, chicken fried cornbread, maybe some watermelon to wash it down. Man #1: There's a soup kitchen over there. Hillbilly: Over yonder? What kinda soup does they serve? I's allergic to black-eyed peas. Man #1: Man, get the Hell away from us. Hillbilly: What did I say? Voice: ...until a prominent speech therapist took an interest in him... (A parlour.) Therapist: Repeat after me: the utilization of polysyllabic terms is not in itself invincible evidence of an elevated intelligence quotient. Hillbilly: Come again? Voice: ...and at last he was able to talk to city slickers without offending them. (Back on the street, the hillbilly, in a new suit, approaches the same two men for help.) Hillbilly: Excuse me, gentlemen, can you direct me to the nearest financial institution? I wish to withdraw a large amount of currency from my account. (The two men leer at each other.) Man #1: Actually, we were just about to do the same thing. Why don't we all go there together? Hillbilly: Well now, that's right neighbourly! I mean, that's most hospitable of you. (Exit all three with the two men flanking the hillbilly on both sides.) Voice: Don't miss Crawdaddy Aimes in his most memorable role as Classic Flicks presents My Fair Hillbilly. Tonight. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Classic Flicks: My Fair Hillbilly
Onward, Christian Soldiers
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Good morning troops! Hope you had a nice breakfast - as long as you washed your dishes afterwards. In the Bible God commands us to know our enemy. It isn't other religions. They don't like our enemy either. It's not atheists. They don't believe in our enemy. That enemy is the Devil. As Christian soldiers it's our duty to seek out and destroy the Devil. Now when you go looking for the Devil, don't expect him to be strutting down the street in his red birthday suit, winking at you and twirling his pitchfork. He's sneaky. Sometimes he's the clean cut family man: good neighbour, mows his lawn, kind of guy you think you can trust. And then you find out he's smoking marijuana in the shed. Sometimes he's a she: modest girl, good manners, straight 'A' student. You think she's studying and saving herself for the right man. And then you catch her playing video games with her boyfriend on a Sunday. Sometimes the Devil even gets into your dog, like when he goes all squirrely on you after you told him to heel. Once you locate the Devil, you can't destroy him in the normal way, with nukes. Weapons are evil and Satan's the Lord of Evil, so hitting him with nukes only makes him more powerful. The only way to destroy this enemy is with love. You gotta go up to that pot-head, maybe waving a fan to protect yourself, and give him a shiny new ashtray. You gotta supply those gamers with some chips and pop. You gotta give that pet a pat. They may break down and cry, they may scream, and they may bark, but show no mercy. If necessary, hug them. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Pick-Me-Up Decaffeinated Coffee
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(A parlour. A woman shares a drink with her guest.) Guest: And since I lost Brad, everything is just falling apart. I've been laid off from my job. My car has been stolen. What am I going to do? I'm thinking of killing myself! (Shift to host's expression of concern.) Host: (Pouring a cup of coffee and offering it to her guest) Would you like a Pick-Me-Up? Guest: Coffee? At this hour? Host: It's decaf. Guest: I hate decaf. Host: It's Irish. Guest: Hand it over. Voice: Are your friends weighing you down with their burdens? Maybe you should introduce them to Pick-Me-Up Brand decaffeinated coffee. Instead of caffeine, Pick-Me-Up contains tricyclic re-uptake inhibitors, which help to trap the happy hormones in your head. Guest: (One hour later) And in the end I always think that there's no point to suicide because I'm going to die anyway. And that car was costing too much money. And I figure that my boss is doing me a favour by laying me off because it frees me up to look for a better job. I can't wait to get out there on the job hunt again. It's always such an adventure! Voice: Pick-Me-Up Decaffeinated Coffee: mixable with alochol. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Bowan's Island
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On the next episode of Bowan's Island, what did the first mate write in his diary? Mary Jane: Hey, everyone! Look what I found! It's Bowan's diary! Others: Read it to us! Read it to us! Mary Jane: (Reading) And Jon's show is my most favourite show in the whole world. Gee, that Jon is funny. And George is so smart and funny. I hope I can be like him one day. And gosh those women of SNL are so clever, they don't need to look like Ginger and they can still give me a boner! And... |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Rewards of War
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Welcome to The Rewards of War, a one hour educational special. I'm your host, Red Collarbone. People often say that there are no winners in war, but that isn't true at all. The banks win because the government has to borrow more money from them to pay for the war effort. And of course, our beloved weapons industry also wins. And before you complain that the development of powerful weapons is a waste, consider how useful they will prove to be when the aliens invade from outer space. War also gives us a valuable geography lesson. Here in this country, we have so many states to memorize, we might never get around to learning the positions of countries like Iraq or Afghanistan on the map if we didn't try to erase those countries from the map. But the most valuable thing we gain from war is depopulation. China and India were experiencing problems with overpopulation until they started using the pill. This is because those countries have historically been too peaceful, whereas our ancestors, who had the good sense to kill each other off, left us with plenty of living space here in the West. Think about it. Every time you stretch out your legs, you owe it to some past war. |
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| © 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
War on the Gypsies: Day One
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The war against the Gypsies has claimed its first casualties. A bomber pilot was about to drop his payload on a Gypsy camp when he suffered a fatal stroke. His death throes shook the plane and caused the men in the back to fall through the bombing hatch to their deaths. No Gypsies were harmed. Strange. It's as if this mission were somehow cursed. And the government has instituted a policy of racial profiling to boost security here in the homeland. Police and border guards have been asked to take extra precautions against anyone who plays flamenco guitar with a good sense of rhythm, anyone who dresses in baggy clothes with loud patterns, and anyone with dark, curly hair and a prominent nose. More at eleven-thirty. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Mystery Movie: Turtleneck: The Case of the Disappearing Turtleneck
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(A museum. Circa 1972.) Patron #1: Look! The crown jewels have disappeared! Call the police! Patron #2: I can't! The phone has disappeared! Patron #1: Then run down the block and talk to them in person! Patron #3: (Entering) Don't bother. Patron #1: Why not? Patron #3: Because the police station has disappeared. Patron #1: Good heavens! There's only one man who can solve this case. Good thing we invited him to the opening. Turtleneck! Turtleneck? Where'd he go? He was just standing right here! |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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