Far as I Can Go

Next blog: The National Bullshitting Corporation. Last post for this blog. At this stage I am not planning any public appearances. You know that I wrote my songs and blogs and you know I can play my songs. You know that others cashed in my songs and blogs and left me here in poverty. I've accomplished the very most that an honest man can accomplish in an extremely dishonest and evil business. This is as far as I can go. I don't believe I am evil enough to be successful in the business as it is in the present. I could never steal someone else's work and take money for it. And if I were caught at such an impossible thing, I could not show my face in public again. I could not practice the kind of black magic that I saw being practiced outside my room at the Hotel Europe. Maybe some of you think it's cool to be evil. The bubonic plague is evil. You must think it's pretty cool. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought one of my brothers back in Ontario saw Taylor Swift singing Spellbound in one of her videos. Too bad I wouldn't let Dateline NBC control my future or they might have prosecuted her with that evidence no one wants me to have. I'll still be producing new work and sharing it online but I have lost interest in fame and fortune. The price is too high for me.
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'The Lid' Playpen Security Hatch

(A living room. A mother puts her toddler in a playpen but he climbs back out and starts tearing down the drapes.) Spokesperson: Is your playpen failing to live up to its name? If it's a pen, it should be escape proof. That's why we invented the Lid. Adjustable to fit over any playpen, the Lid offers lasting security from your child while making sure he still gets the air and sunlight he needs. And if you're concerned about long-term psychological trauma, just look at Hap here. Hap was raised with the Lid and he turned out just fine, didn't you, Hap? (He slaps Hap on the back. With a scream Hap jumps up and flees the room.) So the next time your toddler gets out of control, put a lid on it with the Lid!
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

It's Unibrow! (Again)

When the show's a bomb but they want to take a bow It's Unibrow! When they put too much Tabasco in your chow It's Unibrow! On today's exciting installment of It's Unibrow! our Cro-Magnon companion must stop a lecturer from passing on the wrong information... Lecturer: And this amazing parallel species of intelligent primate, Neanderthal Man, would still be around today were it not for their very large noses which let in too many microorganisms and made them vulnerable to fatal diseases - Unibrow: Stop! That's not true! Lecturer: What's this? A protest from a caveman? What do you know? Unibrow: Hey, I was there, man. (Aside to the class) Don't listen to him. The Neanderthals weren't intelligent. All they ever did was copy our inventions. And they couldn't even get them right. Imagine using a rope for the handle of a stone ax! As for what killed them all, we did. We couldn't trust them after they broke the treaty and stole our fire. (The room goes silent with shock.) Well they were taking up all the caves! And they hated music! And...
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The Retroactive News

In response to demands for more honesty in our reporting we proudly present the retroactive news. Let's start with the Gulf of Tonkin incident. We said the North Vietnamese attacked our ships in the Gulf of Tonkin to help push America into the Vietnam War. The whole story was a complete fabrication. We said that a swarm of African killer bees were headed here from South America. We're still waiting to see if that's true. And we'd love to tell you the truth about the Kennedy assassinations but we have to wait until 2063. In business, don't buy ENRON stock. Also, try to avoid mortgage schemes that seem too good to be true. And in entertainment, the Polish Canadian artist whose work you've seen and heard on our TV networks and radio stations and who we tried to blame for 911 turns out to have been innocent, while the ones we initially told you to trust, who used his songs and writings for profit without his permission and then maligned him to cover their trail, are guilty of fraud. And now for today's report.
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Homo Americanus

In 1912 a group of British anthropologists, envious of the discovery of Neanderthal Man by their German competitors, claimed to have discovered the 'missing link' to human evolution in their own back yard with the skull of Piltdown Man. It took forty years to expose this fossil as a fake. In the meantime, however, American anthropologists were keen to track down a missing ancestor of their own... (1913. A conference room.) Speaker: (Standing and holding up a strange looking skull) You see how the brain must have been around two thirds of the size of a human brain. If this creature were alive today it would likely enjoy tabloids. And take careful note of the jawbone, which appears to resemble the jawbone of an ass. This would have made him eager to share his opinion on subjects about which he was poorly informed. It is also likely that he subsisted on a diet of apples.
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Top Secret Secrets of the Vatican

In 1633, Galileo Galilee was persuaded by the holy inquisition to retract his findings on the movement of the planets. A record of his confession can still be found in the Vatican library. I, Galileo Galilee, do hereby confess, in the presence of the most holy bishops and cardinals, to the accidental crime of saying that the Earth goes around the Sun. That was a typo. You see, I am now past seventy and it puts a strain on my hand to copy out all my notes in Times New Roman without a printing press. So sometimes when I mix a sentence up I just leave it as it is and I count on the reader to indulge it as an error. I always held that the Sun goes around the Earth. And so all did my ancestors before me. If you check you'll find my grandfather, Galliano Galilee, is on the record not only for saying that the Sun goes around the Earth, but for increasing taxes to help pay for public domes...
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IQS Animal Training

(Opening Scene: A clip from a TV show. A dog holds a villain at gunpoint. Cut.) Some animals make more money than humans. Maybe all your pet needs is the right education. Here at the Institute for Quadrupedal Studies, we have learned not to underestimate animal IQ's. Take Claudius here. Not only did this remarkable crow know how to unlock a trap by making a tool out of a branch, he caught his trainer in a bear trap of his own design. And Rocky is our favorite raccoon. All he needed to master the piano was smaller keys. As for dogs, both Lassie #2 and London #5 are IQS grads. Help your loved one reach his or her full potential. Let them have the dignity of earning their own food. Bring them to the Institute for Quadrupedal Studies today. The Institute for Quadrupedal Studies. Visit our new wing: The Center for Avian Studies.
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